Why I Am Going to Die Alone
Geplaatst op 22-01-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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It’s official – I am having a pity party for myself right now. Having just stuffed my face with lentils, chicken and sweet potatoes, I am left sitting in the semi-dark, listening to some slow jams station on Pandora and trying to come up with some sort of inspirational dating wisdom. Turns out, I have nothing. All I can think of are the long list of reasons that I am never going to end up with anyone – ever. And while this sentiment may be depressing for me, I realized that perhaps reading about my craziness may help you all feel better about yourselves.
You may be thinking, where did all this come from? Well remember how I’ve mentioned a few times over the past year that I was working towards a goal (and thus not really dating)? Yea, well, the time came to find out if all my hard work would pay off and guess what — it didn’t. I went after my dream with everything in me and failed. Miserably. And now, here I am… completely sans a goal and oh hey, totally alone.
And what’s worse is everyone expects me to feel so awesome about myself. I’ve been getting so much of, “You are so inspiring!” “You look so amazing!” “I can’t believe how much you’ve changed!” And all I can think is – some fucking good any of that does. So freaking what that I lost 25 pounds? And so what if now everywhere I go I have guys telling me how “gorgeous” I am? Does it matter that I have guys coming out of the woodwork with texts, Facebook chats, and emails? No, it’s all fucking useless. None of this was the least bit useful in helping me reach my goal, and I am no less alone today then I was a year ago. Unfortunately it is starting to dawn on me that maybe no amount of bettering myself will change the fact that I am destined to be alone. Maybe that’s just my fate. Maybe I should just cry it out, accept it and stop trying to convince myself that if I just do this or that, then someday I won’t be completely on my own. I mean really take a look at the following list and then tell me who would date this girl…
I’m selfish.
No really, I like things my way. And ya know what, I usually get them too. I have had this charmed life in which I very rarely have had to deal with disappointment and I’ve developed an expectation that this will always be the case. I am not good at compromising and in most instances I’d rather just be alone than divert from my preference.
I’m not flexible.
I doubt anyone in the history of the world has described me as “go with the flow” or “spontaneous.” I like to plan everything and I tend to schedule out every moment of every day (yes, I scheduled writing this blog post). I have spreadsheets to keep track of the the food I eat, my weight, my recipes, the boys I’ve made out with, my budget, my friendships… You name it, I have a list for it. And if you are thinking that my compulsive need for organizing may make it challenging to date, you are correct. On the rare occasion I do make schedule shifts for a man, it generally results in me resenting said gentleman. Especially should he not do things exactly my way…(see above).
I eat weird.
I don’t eat gluten, or dairy, or red meat. And frankly I love eating healthy. In fact, I just completed a 21 day cleanse where I could eat nothing but lentils, veggies and fruit – and I thought it was easy. Guys love girls who can steam up some kale, right?
I’ve already dated everyone.
Prior to writing this depressing blog post I thought, oh hey, maybe I should now use this wealth of free time to get back on Match. So I went on over and checked out the photos on the site. And there they all were – The Texter, the guy I thought I could treat like business, the guy I talked to for a month and a half and he still never asked me out, the guy who asked me out and then cancelled an hour before – loser, after loser after loser (No shock, all still single). Have I seriously already dated every single guy in San Diego that I find attractive? Rad.
I make the same mistakes.
Over and over and over and over and over… And they all relate to D. I was doing SUCH a stellar job of not talking to D right? Wrong. True, I hadn’t called him in 5 months but I thought about him every day. I wondered about when I’d run into him. On more than one occasion I almost went to his house when his roomie invited me over. And then last month I decided to make out with his roomie (clearly a wise decision. Because obviously he and I have a chance at a promising future together…). But at the very least I could say I hadn’t talked to D.
Until I did. After learning my dream was crushed (and spending the next 10 hours drinking) I balled my eyes out and then threw away all the work I did by switching my number and called D. Yep, I am that dumb. And sure, I didn’t sleep with him. Nor have I continued the relationship (even though he called me the very next day and asked me over again) but it doesn’t matter. I am pretty much never going to move forward from that guy.
I utterly lack patience.
On that very same Sunday, I ran into an old friend of mine. (Actually, yet another one of D’s best friends – of course – but that’s besides the point). He and I go way back and I never run into him because according to the guys, he always has girlfriends and behaves responsibly. In any case, he is dreamy (always has been) and I’ve always considered him pretty unattainable despite the fact that I have made out with a few times over the years. However, when I saw him this weekend, he could not have been more complimentary. We talked for hours and discovered that we are both in this similar place of striving to better ourselves. He told me multiple times how glad he was that he ran into me, and how different I looked, and how he could tell I’d grown up and changed so much yada yada yada. And he got my number (twice…) and then Facebook chatted me the next morning to tell me again, how impressed by me he was etc… Now, here we are on Wednesday and I am so freaking annoyed that I haven’t heard from him. It is making me antsy and restless - two things that generally lead to poor decision making (like calling D).
I can’t cut weak links.
Say, for instance, The Texter. This dude annoyed me the entire time we were dating and when he texted me randomly last night to ask if I had accomplished my goal, he managed to annoy me yet again. Why I can’t just ignore him is beyond me. The stupid text conversation made me feel even shittier and for what? Because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of a guy who never asked me out again after he slept with me?? Yea, that makes sense.
I like making out and do it more often than is likely responsible.
No need to expand on that one, I suppose. Let’s just say I am acutely aware that if I really hope to settle down one day, I should stop kissing so many guys and/or at least stop kissing guys that all know each other.
I am insecure.
I am pretty darn close to having a six pack and still feel plagued by the idea that I might gain weight if I finish this glass of wine. It doesn’t matter that I know for a fact that I am currently the most attractive I have ever been – all that does is make me more hyper aware of my flaws and fearful of losing what I’ve accomplished. Fun girl, right?
I can’t let go of the past.
Although moving certainly helped, I haven’t forgotten about Mr. Not Quite Right nor can I say I wouldn’t love to run into him.
I don’t deal with reality.
Even as I wrote the above, I knew in my head how stupid it was. So what if I were to run into Mr. Not Quite Right? What is it that I think will happen? He will take one look at the new and improved me and dump his girlfriend? Hardly. This is the guy who was intimidated by the success of the disaster version of myself. If I actually look at the reality of the situation, I know seeing me now would only further his conviction that we would have never lasted.
I’m jaded.
I honestly think I may have run out of hope. I know, depressing. But I just can’t look myself in the mirror and say, self, you will meet someone. I no longer believe that. And that’s truly the saddest statement I’ve ever written.
You may be cursing me right now, and thinking why the fuck would she write this post? Well, you are welcome to hate me (I’m not liking myself all that much right now either) but I wanted to be real with you all since you’ve all been pretty real with me so many times in the past. So often we all only share the good things that are happening in our lives, and I am completely guilty of that too. I think it leads us to believe that everyone else’s lives are all roses. And when we have a night, a week or even a month like this, we beat ourselves up for feeling sad. It’s bullshit because we all go through these dark places and I no longer feel like pretending I don’t. So I won’t.
The truth is, right now I am lost. I am 26, and alone and completely sans a personal goal. I have an amazing job, the most supportive friends and family a girl could ask for and am in the best shape of my life – and yet I am alone and sad about it. I have no uplifting thoughts, or lessons learned, or plans of actions. I simply have this feeling and the knowledge that tomorrow will be a new day. And for now, that’s just going to have to be enough.